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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046603">Roses</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88'>Kkane88</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blur [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Men's Hockey RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, But it's Mild, Coming Out, Getting Together, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:48:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046603</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick goes home with Kesler</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane/Ryan Kesler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blur [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728211</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Roses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Can be stand-alone, but it'll probably make more sense if you read Blur first. An AU of Blur that starts right as Kesler asks Patrick the question.<br/>Based on <a href="https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb557yevAG1r41emlo1_500.gifv">this gif</a>.<br/>PLEASE SEE END NOTES FOR POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'll text you my address?" Kesler asks, not even trying to be quiet. Jonny turns so fast he almost falls and locks eyes with Patrick. He looks <em>furious</em>. Patrick looks away, nods once at Kesler, and keeps moving forward on shaky legs. Stalberg has to shove Jonny forward to get him moving again. Patrick keeps his distance, feels Jonny's eyes boring into him in the locker room and makes sure he's never alone. Makes sure Jonny can't corner him and question him because he would cave.</p><p>He feels like he's going to vibrate out of his skin.</p><p>He gets on the bus before Jonny and takes the window seat next to Crow, keeps his eyes on the floor, scuttles off the bus as fast as he can at the hotel. The elevator moves in slow motion.</p><p>He hops in the shower the second he steps foot in his room, listening to the conjoining door open and close, hoping Jonny isn't waiting for him in the room.</p><p>He's not.</p><p>Patrick gets dressed as quickly and quietly as he can, listening through the door and hearing the shower running in Jonny's room.</p><p>He sneaks out. Takes a cab to the address Kesler had sent him.</p><p>Kesler opens the door with a smile, invites Patrick in, offers him a drink. Patrick declines.</p><p>He just wants to get this over with.</p><p>"Where's the bedroom?" he asks urgently. Kesler's eyes widen in surprise but he leads them down a hallway and into the bedroom.</p><p>Patrick's hands are shaking.</p><p>He doesn't know what to do, where to start. He looks over and Kesler's studying him. He takes a step toward Patrick, then another, and another, until he's close enough to touch and takes Patrick's face in his hands and kisses him and all Patrick can think is this is <em>wrong</em>. He doesn't want Kesler, he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want it to happen this way.</p><p>He doesn't say anything.</p><p>Kesler moves him, starts pushing him toward the bed, gets his hands under Patrick's clothes and Patrick lets him, <em>this is wrong</em>, lets him remove Patrick's shirt, lets him lick into Patrick's mouth, <em>wrong</em>, lets him lay Patrick back on the bed and crawl over him and he looks down at Patrick with brown eyes that look like Jonny's but don't look at him like Jonny's and Patrick says, "stop."</p><p>Kesler's off him in an instant and Patrick's on his feet before he realizes what he's doing.</p><p>"Kaner, wait!" He doesn't wait, picks up his shirt and runs from the room. He locks himself in the bathroom, collapses on the floor and calls a cab with shaking hands and a shaky voice, trying with everything he has not to cry, not to sob, not to show any more weakness than he already has.</p><p>There's a knock at the door and Patrick scrambles to his feet, holding the phone like a weapon in front of him when Kesler says, "I'm sorry. I'll be in the kitchen if you want to talk before you leave." Patrick wants to thank him for backing off, for giving him space, but he can't force any words past the knot in his throat.</p><p>He slips out of the house and into the cab, trying to hold himself together long enough to get into his hotel room where he can break down and pull himself back together before tomorrow. Before he has to face himself and his team and <em>Jonny</em>.</p><p>He only gets a few steps into the room before he freezes on the spot.</p><p>Jonny's there.</p><p>On Patrick's bed.</p><p>He's looking down at his phone, not moving, like he didn't notice Patrick come into the room and he looks <em>pissed</em> and all Patrick can think is <em>not now, please, not now</em>. He can't handle Jonny's anger on top of his own self loathing and he doesn't know where to go, if he should run or if he should hide.</p><p>He's never needed to hide from Jonny before. He feels unbalanced, unmoored, and he doesn't know when he started crying, but there are silent tears dripping their way onto his shirt and he can't look away from Jonny.</p><p>"Did you have fun?" Jonny asks bitterly after minutes, hours, days of silence. Patrick wants to say <em>yes, </em>wants to say <em>no</em>, wants to say <em>please, </em>or <em>stop, </em>or <em>help</em> but all that comes out is a choked sob.</p><p>Jonny's head whips up, looking at Patrick for the first time. And then he's <em>there</em> in front of Patrick, wrapping him up tight, tucking Patrick's face against his chest and whispering <em>I'm sorry I'm an asshole I'm sorry</em> against Patrick's hair and Patrick's<em> terrified</em> and vulnerable and Jonny could hurt him so much right now but he's not. He wont. So Patrick opens up. Sobs and cries and clutches Jonny and lets himself feel small and comforted and protected in Jonny's arms. He shouldn't have this, he doesn't deserve this, but he <em>wants</em> it.</p><p>He's been lying to Jonny for years, pretending not to love him, pretending to be someone he's not. He's had girlfriends, faked relationships, hookups that he had to drink his way through.</p><p>He's hated himself.</p><p>He's been lying for so long he doesn't know if he's even capable of telling the truth but he <em>wants </em>to. He wants to let everything out and maybe it won't be so bad. If Jonny thinks he's sleeping with Kesler and still wants to touch him…</p><p>Maybe he can. He wants to try.</p><p>It takes him a long time to calm down, to realize his face is pressed into a puddle of tears and snot on Jonny's shirt and he tries to pull away but Jonny won't let him go.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Jonny says quietly. "It's okay if you like guys, or… Kesler, or whatever." Patrick shakes his head, tries to pull back again with a protest on his lips, but Jonny shushes him, gently guides Patrick back down. "Whatever makes you happy, Patrick. You deserve it. I'll support you no matter what." Another sob forces it's way out of Patrick's throat and Jonny runs a soothing hand down Patrick's spine. "You deserve to be happy. Even if it is with Kesler."</p><p>"It's not," Patrick manages to say. "Not with Kesler." This time Jonny lets Patrick lift his head so he can  look Jonny in the eye. Patrick doesn't try to step out of the embrace Jonny still has him in.</p><p>"Understandable," Jonny says with a forced smile. "He's an asshole."</p><p>"That's not-" Patrick cuts himself off. He doesn't know how to force the words out. "I don’t want… anyone else to touch me." Jonny jerks like he's been shot, taking his hands off of Patrick so fast that Patrick doesn't even have a chance to stop him. Patrick panics, grabs Jonny's wrist before he has a chance to run away. "I meant anyone but you!" Jonny stops and looks at him.</p><p>"What do you mean?" Patrick steps back into Jonny's space until he has to tilt his head back to look up at him. It should make Patrick feel small, but it doesn't.</p><p>"Jon, you have to know," Patrick breathes. "I just… you mean a lot to me." Jonny's looking down at him, dark eyes full of an emotion Patrick can't name. He brings a hand up and Patrick has to stop himself from flinching when Jonny cups Patrick's cheek in his hand, soothing away some stray tears with his thumb.</p><p>"I know," he agrees. "You mean a lot to me, too." He seems to know Patrick has more to say, looking at him expectantly. Patrick doesn't know what to do. Jonny's being <em>so gentle, </em>touching Patrick like he's breakable, telling Patrick he deserves to be happy.</p><p>"I'm pretty fucked up," Patrick says, unable to think of anything else. Jonny just shrugs, still stroking his thumb back and forth soothingly.</p><p>"We all are, at least a little bit." He seems to decide something, taking a deep breath before saying, "Did you know I’m bisexual?" Patrick feels his world tilt, knows the shock must be shining through on his face. "I've known since I was a teenager," Jonny admits. "My family knows, but I haven't really told anyone else. I thought it would just be easier to only date girls. But if I found the right guy, I'd be willing to give it a shot." He looks at Patrick hard, then, like he's willing him to<em> get it, </em>and Patrick feels something bloom in his chest that feels suspiciously like hope.</p><p>He opens and closes his mouth a few times, has a couple false starts, is almost too afraid to get the words out. Jonny waits patiently until Patrick finally says, "I'm pretty fucking in love with you." The smile that grows on Jonny's face takes his breath away, and then Jonny's stepping even closer, bringing his other hand up to Patrick's face and leaning in until they're breathing the same air.</p><p>"I'm pretty fucking in love with you, too." And then Jonny kisses him, slow and sweet and like nothing Patrick's ever experienced before. He can't do anything but hold on as he feels a rush through his body, feels like he's floating, but it's okay because Jonny's holding him and Patrick knows he won't let go.</p><p>Jonny pulls back, rests his forehead against Patrick's, and whispers "I love you," again, relieved like he's been waiting to say it for ages and Patrick doesn't realize he's crying again until Jonny kisses the tears off his face.</p><p>"Jon, this is going to be really hard." Patrick needs him to know that, needs him to know it's not going to be like the movies where all Jonny has to do is kiss him and everything will be okay. Patrick has a lot of shit to work through, and with their line of work…</p><p>He's afraid.</p><p>But Jonny looks Patrick in the eye and nods, like he understands, and maybe he does.</p><p>"We'll take it one step at a time," Jonny soothes, ducking down to press another kiss to Patrick's lips. "We don't have to have everything figured out right now. We just have to decide if we want to try."</p><p>"I do," Patrick says, no hesitation.</p><p>"Me, too," Jonny agrees with a smile. Patrick wants to keep kissing him, wants to keep reminding himself that this is real and he can have this, but he's <em>exhausted</em>. He lays his head on Jonny's shoulder and yawns. "We'll talk tomorrow," Jonny says, pressing a kiss into Patrick's hair. "Let's go to bed."</p><p>"Will you stay?" Patrick asks, pulling Jonny over to the bed before falling onto it. Jonny pulls the sheets out from under Patrick and settles down next to him, drawing Patrick to his chest and covering them both up.</p><p>"Good luck getting rid of me."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Possible warning: There is a brief scene where Kesler is touching Patrick (with consent) while Patrick does not want to be touched. As soon as Patrick says to stop, Kesler does. Patrick also has a bit of an anxiety attack.</p><p>Find me on tumblr:<br/><a href="https://kwriteshockey.tumblr.com/">kwriteshockey</a><br/><a href="https://boqer27.tumblr.com/">boqer27</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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